Killing Lord Voldemort The Muggle Style!
by gherkin
Summary: Rated T for Terrific! A major Voldie bashing scare and adventure every chapter, guaranteed!
1. CHaPtEr 1 Random Muggle

RPM: Green And Gooey Slime does own the random, pointless Muggles. She doesn't however own Voldemort or anyone else from the second greatest series in the world HARRY POTTER!!!! *Music starts and everyone claps*  
  
Chapter 1: If the prophecy hadn't happened.  
  
Hell has frozen over us.  
  
*A random, pointless Muggle drops from the sky and lands on the ground with a loud thump. He is dressed in prisoners orange clothing. He carries a handgun and wears an evil smile.*  
  
The RPM (Random, Pointless, Muggle) looked up and smiled when he saw he had an audience. Motioning everyone to keep quiet with a finger to his lips he whispered.  
  
"You know now that hell has frozen over, anything can happen so that's why he's" - jerks thumb over to dead body of Harry Potter - "run out of luck. So that's why us RPM's have to take care of Voldie-Poo."  
  
The escaped prisoner paused, remembering his instructions. "And we have to do it without magic, so that's why I've got my trusty handgun. Took out fifty men with it once." He boasts.  
  
Motioning for the audience to hide the escaped RPM throws on a death eaters cloak and pulls on a mask. His eyes furtively swept across the hidden Muggles - Trees, bushes, and voldie-hating signs appear.  
  
"Hush now here he comes." Mumbles the RPM as he leaves to join the group of Death Eaters.  
  
Lord Voldemort appears and the Death Eaters helpfully let fire a bunch of the Weasley twins fireworks to allow the Dark Lord (He-Who-Must-Be-In-Pain- By-Now) to make his entrance a 'bang.'  
  
Once the fireworks have resided (twelve hours later) and the Death Eaters were very bored the Dark Lord made his announcement.  
  
"To my faithful Death Eaters." He begins. The RPM sniggered. Voldemort blushes and continues. "Today is a day we have all been waiting for. We have strived very hard and finally Harry Potter and that old coot." - points to body of Dumbledore - "Are dead."  
  
All the Death Eaters cheer and Voldie's face goes tomato red.  
  
"Anyway." He adds hastily "This is the day in which I. no I mean we will rule the world."  
  
The RPM laughs cruelly and whips of his mask. Voldie and the Death Eater's shiver at the cruel sound of it. "I think not Voldie. I'm going to rule the world!"  
  
Then the RPM brings out his handgun and points it at Voldie. "Goodbye Voldie." He says cruelly as he pulls the trigger. "Hasta la Vista."  
  
Then the RPM felt this floating feeling. An amused, disembodied voice can be heard. "Well done RPM" It says. "But you were too good for the Mortal World. Welcome to hell."  
  
The RPM eagerly rubbed his hands together and walked off to start a black market with Grindelwald. Unfortunately for him Voldemort had plans to ruin it all.  
  
~*~ End of Chappie 1 ~*~ Flamers will get howlers!!!! 


	2. Chappie 2 with Petrol involved

RPM2: Green and Gooey Slime STILL doesn't own Voldie-Poo or anyone from the Harry Potter series. Hell she doesn't even Bruce Willis who also stars in this chapter.  
  
AND she doesn't own the joke. It comes from The Ultimate Book of Rude and Politically Incorrect Jokes.  
  
Anyway I have to go get ready for my close-up now so.. Yippee-ki-oh doods (THIS MUGGLE WAS REFRAINED FROM SWEARING.. Unlike Bruce Willis)  
  
Director: CUT! CUT! RPM2 U weren't supposed to say that Bruce Willis was! *Points to Bruce Willis who smiles and flexes absolutely nothing*  
  
RPM2: Sorry. Oh and we do not own the saying yippee-ki-oh ***** ******* (Yet again he was stop from saying it.)  
  
Chapter 2: Brucey!!!  
  
Hell has frozen over us.  
  
*Bruce Willis comes flying down on a burning airplane that crashes and hits the ground. Audience laps. Miraculously Brucey and all the victims were alive but the baddies died.*  
  
Bruce Willis looked up in disgust. "That's Bruce Willis to you."  
  
*Sorry*  
  
Bruce looks across at the audience. "Haven't you got anything better to do?" Disgruntled, the audience packs up and moves inside a nearby building where Green and Gooey Slime has set up a TV screen.  
  
*Who died and made you god?*  
  
Bruce looks up at the sky madder than hell, my home. "IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP IT'LL BE YOU!"  
  
*Sorry. Please continue.*  
  
"Finally!" grumbles Brucey..Bruce as he walks over to a group of Death Eaters and Moldy-Shorts.  
  
The audience watches as Bruce lugs a twenty-gallon tub of petrol across the ground. The Death Eaters and Moldy hear it but are ignore it. They're that ignorant.  
  
Everyone watches as he proceeds to pour petrol over the Death Eaters and the Moldy-Waldy-Shorts. They all flinch at contact with it but still ignore it and continue with talks of torturing Muggles and people less than Half- Bloods.  
  
Laughing to himself, Bruce Willis walks about a hundred metres away from the Death Eaters and then pulled out his lighter. Then Bruce cackles and throws the lighted lighter onto the oil. "YIPEE KI OH MOTHA FUCKA'S!!!!"  
  
Sumbudies busssssted.  
  
However, as he was too close to the flame he also booms up and lands in Hells Prison.  
  
There at the prison the Demon Warden came across him and two other prisoners. "What are you in for?" he asked the first inmate.  
  
"Murder." The Demon Warden then asked what sentence he had gotten for it. "Eternity." Was the reply. The next prisoner told the guard he was in for fraud with a fifteen year sentence.  
  
"And what are you in here for, Bruce Willis?" the Demon asked. "Under direct order I poured petrol over Death Eaters and Lord Voldie-Wart." "And what did you get for that?" "About fifteen to the gallon."  
  
*****End of da chapta my dahlins. 


	3. Chapter 3 Director's Cutted

RPM3: Yes Green and Gooey Slime doesn't own Harry Potter things STILL! Not even though she's had about fifty attempts trying to get the license for them. She doesn't even own cowboys ever. ~grumbles~ Do I have to do this?  
  
*Yes* The RPM runs off as lightening hits him on the bum. "Doooooonnnn'tttt Suuueeee and GAGS'S thanxxxx to LiRA, PrincessJCWR, maruder no.5, Kafira Dalila, annnnnndddddd TomFeltonSexiiWun..ciao amigos."  
  
Kafira Dalila Basically we're torturing Voldemort to the very end.  
  
Chapter 3: Ring, a ring a rosy. Cowboy's are too nosy.  
  
Hell has frozen over us. It's about bloody time!!!!  
  
A man in leather, a cowboy hat, and pistol holders rides into a clearing. Almost immediately bushes start to shiver. It was time for excitement.  
  
In his pistol holders were two deadly gu. wands?!?!?!?!  
  
"Cut! I SAID CUT!" A man in his late fifties walks out. He has puffs of hair all over his head.  
  
*It looks like someone's been tearing his hair.*  
  
"SHUT UP!!!! And you! You give me those wands NOW or it'll be your hair that's gone!"  
  
John Wayne blushes as the bushes giggle and quietly turns over the wands. Then, brightening considerably, he pleaded "Can I have the dynamite now?"  
  
The director groans pull a puff of his hair out. "GAGS!!!!!" In fast motion three dynamite sticks fall on the directors head.  
  
KerplopKerplopBOOM  
  
*Let's have that in normal motion shall we?*  
  
Kerplop Kerplop BOOM  
  
*And in slow please.*  
  
Ker-plop.. Ker-plop.. BO-OM.  
  
*That's like, what? Twenty directors in three episodes?*  
  
John Wayne grins and picks up a crate of dynamite. Then he looks around. "Let's see." he murmurs as the bushes start to move again.  
  
Two hours later and fifty more crates of dynamite it's time to rock & roll.  
  
The surrounding is still pretty much the same except there are slight lumps in the ground now and a cord runs off into the distance.  
  
*And the cord ran off with John Wayne.*  
  
"Boom shucka lucka Voldies got da intellect, Boom shucka." Twenty Death Eater's enter the clearing holding the body of Harry Potter.  
  
Amazingly they place it in the middle of the lumpy circle and Voldemort swoops in, an amazing feat for such an old dude.  
  
Voldemort then links hands with two of the nearest Death Eaters who in turn grab others hands until they are all in a circle.  
  
John Wayne cackles and grips a handlebar tightly.  
  
Then the DE and Volders start to skip around merrily, still in a circle.  
  
*OMG It's. it's a gay parade!*  
  
Then they started to.........................  
  
SING!!!!!!!!  
  
*Block your ears! Save yourselves!*  
  
"Ring a ring a rosy, a pocket full of nosey's, a snicker, a snicker, we all go" "BOOM!" Bit's of Death Eaters, Volders, and Harry Potter go everywhere.  
  
"Hey cool!" John Wayne stoops and picks up a small piece of skin.  
  
With a lightning scar on it! Another boom sounded. When the smoke cleared the lightning scar was gone and John Wayne was in hell.  
  
*I have the scar!!!!!!!!!*  
  
*MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAUAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAUAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAUAHAHAHAHHAHAHA HAHAHAUAHAHAUAHAUAHAUAHAUHAUAHAUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAUUAUUAUAUAUAAAAHH HUHUHUHUHUHUHUHHUHUHUUHUHUHUHUHHUUHHUH..~cough, cough*  
  
Please review!!!!! Pretty please? 


	4. Chapter 4 Auctioned Off!

RPM4: Though we still try deeply to get the rights to Harry Potter we haven't succeed - YET! Lucky us!  
  
I had trouble writing this chapter so don't kill me if it's bad!.  
  
Thanks to everyone whoe reviewed.  
  
Chapter 4: 4 Sale  
  
FOR SALE: 1 Hell has Frozen over, 1 Harry Potter Scar, 1000000000000000000000000 RPM's.  
  
Inquire at front desk. Anyway let's get on with the story.  
  
Lord Voldemort sat at his computer desk with a lighting bolt-shaped scar in his palm. He then placed the scar in a glass bottle and typed out an advertisement.  
  
~ One lightning bolt-shaped scar for sale. Former owner - Harry Potter. Auction to be held at Malfoy Manor. ~ Once the advertisement had been approved Voldemort leaned back in his chair, an evil smirk on his face.  
  
"Those pathetic, sniveling Muggles will soon meet their deserved end. Then he swooped from the room, cackling evilly.  
  
^Malfoy Manor 1 hr before the auction.^  
  
The audience watches with anticipation. Everyone is wondering how Voldemort will meet his end tonight but I personally don't feel like telling. I haven't even finished a page yet. Almost there. Hee Hee.  
  
So the audience is watching with anticipation. Lucky buggers. In the Auction Room floated four people who were putting up decorations.  
  
One wore a long cloak with a hood. You couldn't tell how old they were or anything. The cloak was red.  
  
The latest director walks almost lazily into the room. "What are your three doing here?" he sneers to three of the four.  
  
*I invited them.*  
  
The director looks mad and snaps his fingers. Immediately Sophie, Sidra, and Sara disappear.  
  
*At this point I would say something incredibly evil but I don't want to up the rating.*  
  
"I don't care." The director snaps. *That's fine by me.* The director burst into flames and from the ashes a little midget appears before being stepped on by none other than Voldemort.  
  
*My superior lord. The auction is about to start.* Voldemort smiles at the floating cloak. "Excellent." He whispers. "Brilliant."  
  
He sweeps across the floor and stands on the stage just as the crowd arrives. It's pure chaos. The cloaked figure smirks.  
  
Voldemort pauses and looks disgusted before beginning his great speech.  
  
"Ladies and gentleman. A few nights ago I cam across an artifact that will interest you all. Ladies and gentleman, the lightning bolt-shaped scar of Mr. Harry Potter."  
  
Voldemort pulls the scar from his pocket and as everyone realizes it really is the scar there is a chaotic stampede to get for it.  
  
*Is it just me or has everyone forgotten it's an auction?*  
  
It's just you.  
  
*Oh. Sorry please continue.*  
  
Thank you. As I was saying there was a chaotic stampede to get to the scar. In the middle of it all was. Uncie Voldie!  
  
*How gods damn terrifying.*  
  
Underneath the Muggles Voldemort didn't stand a chance. The audience joined the Muggles and Voldemort was soon crushed to smithereens as the audience proceeded to stomp on him.  
  
*And twelve hours later my life in hell was even more complicated than before.*  
  
***** Be good little goats and review or I'll have to torture you. Hee hee. 


End file.
